What on Earth to Eat?

No wonder I’m confused about diet plans.  The tried-and-true low-fat/high-grain model has been challenged by the low-carb/high-fat model.  But only the right fat.   Three meals a day with no snacks. Wait, make that five little meals with constant snacking.  Hunger burns fat.  Don’t eat three hours before bed.  Oops, too much hunger converts everything to fat.  Avoid sugar.  No, have sugar- everything in moderation!  Unless you have allergies or addictions.  Avoid white flour, dairy, legumes, red meats, salt, sugar, preservatives, alcohol, gluten, wheat, corn, potatoes, rice, nuts, and cheese, except for blue cheese.   Wait! Avoiding things leads to bingeing. Don’t avoid anything.  Except preservatives.   Eat dairy, no don’t.  Eat yogurt, but only low fat, no high fat, Greek, and unsweetened.  Use light cream, use heavy cream, use almond milk.  Eat organic. Nope, not necessary.  Eat lots of veggies and fruit.  Limit veggies and fruit.  Well, eat veggies, just no fruit.  Except berries and kiwis.  No bananas. Eat apples, but not cooked ones, just yellow ones, and only organic. Women shouldn’t eat fruit, men shouldn’t drink beer.  Should women drink beer?   No, just wine.   Only red, only organic, only two glasses, only before 5pm.   So should I start drinking at noon?  Drinking causes cancer in women, but it’s good for your heart.   It causes you to eat more.   Eat cookies sweetened with fruit.  No, you’ll end up bingeing on the real ones later.  Try low-fat ice cream.  No make it full fat, so you’ll know when you’re full. Have a banana instead.  I thought   bananas were bad.   Eat butter, no don’t.  Eat margarine.  Margarine is poison.  Sugar is poison.  Fat is the enemy. Fat is flavor.  Fat makes you fat, not eating fat makes you fat, fat makes you  full, fat clogs your arteries.  Fat makes you gain weight, fat helps you lose weight.  We’re too fat. We eat too much fat.  Eat fat, but only unsaturated, vegetable oil.  Canola oil? No!  Olive oil, but not in cooking. What? The smoke point is too high.  Smoke point?   Grapeseed is better for cooking but not in salads.  Flax seed is good.  Flax seed is BAD.  You need medium-chain triglycerides to improve absorption and digestion, like palm kernel oil.  I thought palm kernel oil clogged arteries?  Coconut oil is the best!  Won’t coconut and oil make me fat?  They might, but coconut oil helps you lose weight! Does Splenda cause cancer now? Should I use honey, maple syrup or agave nectar? Only if you want to get fat. They’re sweeter than sugar. Try rice malt.  I thought rice was a bad carb.  It is.  Fructose is the real culprit.      What about Sucrose and Glucose? No. Dextrin? You’re thinking of Dexter, he’s a serial killer. What happened to Maltose? Well, at least we all know that High Fructose Corn Syrup is bad, right? Not according to a recent ad campaign…

So, what about that banana?

Or should I just go straight to happy hour?   

Megan Davis Collins, LICSW, loves obsessing about food and dietary trends. Email her at megdavcol@gmail.com